DryBar Comedy

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I Made You This

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Teen Nightclubs

In the late 90s/early 2000s, my small town had 5 teen nightclubs. That’s 4 too many teen nightclubs.
The names of these clubs were: Xtreme, Metropolis, Coconut Joe’s, Zavos, and Millennium.
Being that there was no social media, you only heard about these places and their reputations from the bathroom gossip at school. People would come to homeroom on Monday with giant X marks on their hands and you’d be like whoa, where did you go? And also, you didn’t shower since then? But it was like a stamp on a passport. You wanted people to know that you’ve been to the other side.
Teen clubs were a basic necessity to developmental growth in Ohio because you had to know there were people outside of your bubble that existed. It kept you alive. You could go back to your own personal hell as long as you knew that someday you’d be in a totally different hell with other people. I imagine it’s like when an Amish kid sees an ankle for the first time. It keeps you going.
The weirdest part about going to a teen nightclub is physically getting there. No one has their license, so you have to convince some sort of parental figure to drive you there. So there you are: hair in twists, body glitter, thong outside of your jeans, butterfly top, and frosted lip gloss on, and you gotta ask dad to take you to an abandoned building so you can dance to Nelly songs with your friend who told her parents she was going to Young Life.
The second weirdest thing, now that I’m remembering it, is that we didn’t all have phones. What the fuck did we look at when we were bored?Even if we did have cellphone, it only had snake on it. Did we actually socialize and talk to people. That’s insane to think about now. We actually stayed with our group, had a meeting point and code words, and were present in the moment.
I have a few distinct memories from my clubbing days (Jesus Christ I hate myself). One was dancing with a boy and then telling him, “I’m sorry I can’t do this” in the middle of it and running away. My friends had to console him as I ran to the bathroom to panic. I was deathly afraid of boys at the time, and was overwhelmed. However, I would love to use this strategy again anytime someone tries to pull out their phone and show me photos of their vacation. I’m sorry…. I can’t do this.
Another was seeing a really slutty line dance that everyone seemed to know. It was to the song, “Pony” by Genuwine which is still a banger. I was fascinated with the dance and how did everyone know this? Did they go school teaching people? I didn’t know it. I had to learn it. So I did, and I used my knowledge to dunk on people for the next year. Oh, you don’t know this dance? Let me teach you. And I shall be the queen of the hoes.
The last memory I have is hearing that one of the clubs was shut down because there was a make out room in the basement that you could pay to get into. That is terrible, because somewhere there had to be an adult who runs a business who thought, you know, this club is pretty successful, but I could use an extra $60 a night.

All these clubs are now shut down and I don’t think the concept would ever work again. Kids have Snapchat now. which is so so much worse,

You Are Quite Small

You are actually quite small

Even though everything feels enormous

And heavy

You are actually quite small

And the world doesn’t end each day

And if it did

You didn’t cause it

You are actually quite small

No one is paying attention to your mistakes

Because you are actually quite small

And even when you are a big deal

Look around

You are actually quite small

So the things you are hung up on

Are they really big?

Are they really?

Or are they actually

Now that you think of it

Quite small

-KC

Herbalism

In their 30s, every woman must decide what type of witch they will be.

I don’t make the rules, I just notice the patterns. Some women are drawn to crystals and tarot, others collect candles or curse people with sailor like spells while being cut off in traffic. Some are coffee witches or meditate to “manifest” their future, but it’s all witch stuff. In my 30s, I’ve chosen to be one of those women who knows what herb to use to treat whatever ailment is bothering you.

It all started with a book. I saw the word “ashwaganda” and didn’t know what it was so I looked it up. After finding it was an herb, I looked at its benefits. After looking at its benefits, I bought some to ingest to make myself better, stronger, faster. I did this over and over again. Berbine pills. Elderberry Syrup. Dried Calendula for tea. Oregano oil. Growing my own mint. Garlic. Lavender infused local honey. Jars! Jars of things everywhere! What ails you?? I have something to fix that! Just let me check my shelf of mid-evil jars. Oh the labels? Thanks they are nice, aren’t they? I made them myself. Looks like I scratched its name in with a safety pin using my left hand but hey, as scary as they look, isn’t that the aesthetic I’m going for?

I have only poisoned myself once which I think is pretty good, all things considered. I’ve also never given any tonic or tincture to anyone else, mainly because no one has asked for one, but also because what works for me might not work for them. So it may not seem like that I’m too far into my new identity. However, it keeps growing. I’ve bought magazines and underground zines on alchemy. I now own several apothecary jars for my own tea blends. But I’m not writing this to brag about my knowledge or collection. I’m writing this because I fear one day I’ll be filling the jars with bat wings and mice bones. That’s way, way down the line. And I don’t want to get that far gone. So I’m holding myself accountable by setting a clear boundary, and it’s now in writing, so it’s semi official.

And so it is: if there comes a time where I start putting moss in my jars, throw the whole collection away. Moss is the gateway into crazy town. You hear that, Kelly? Do not eat moss.

Titanic

The Titanic sank in 1912. This is not a fact I had to research, its just something I know off the top of my head. I don’t know it because I memorize facts for trivia or because I did a school project on it, but simply because it is one of those phenomenons we all just know about. If you bring up Titanic in a crowded room of people, there aren’t many that would turn to you and say, “What? What boat? Something happened?” In fact, as I was writing this introduction, I took a 40 minute “you wrote 3 sentences, treat yourself to some scroll time” break and saw that Buzzfeed had posted a story about a woman (Violet Jessop), who not only survived the Titanic sinking but also survived the destruction of both of Titantic’s sister ships. I will be reading the full article as soon as I am done here. My point is that even though it’s been more than 100 years since the Titanic sank, we (collectively as a society) are still fascinated by the details of this tragedy.

I think the intrigue with this particular catastrophe come from a few factors:

First, the irony. You describe a ship as unsinkable and it sinks. That alone should be a teachable lesson passed down through the annals of time. Nothing is guaranteed, do not jinx it. It’s like the time the church in my town built a giant 30+ foot statue of Jesus and it got struck by lightning and burned down. Everyone had to joke that Duh, He told you not to build statues of idols.

Second, introspection. It’s a terrible part of human nature to make something tragic that happened to someone else make you think about yourself. At some point we might wonder, what would I have done if I were on the ship? Would I have gone down with it? Would I have hid in my cabin? Would I have given up my seat? There is something unimaginable about knowing you only have a few hours to live, and apparently there are people who chose to accept that and people who chose not to accept that. Unless you are in that position, you can only speculate on what you would do. And while some people chose violence and deception, others chose compassion and bravery. Only the survivors could tell the stories of, She stood up and said this, and I saw him do that.

Last. the people. Even today we are still finding out details about the people who were on board or were supposed to be on board the Titanic. And it seems that most people have a favorite Titanic anecdote. I’m not talking about Jack Dawson/Leonardo DiCaprio and all his hotness and glory, although, I totally get why you’d be obsessed with the movie because of him. I think the human element is part of what makes people so curious about this. The truth is that It could have been anyone on that ship. The passengers were both rich and poor. They were from many different countries. They boarded the ship with different motivations. They had nothing in common and yet—they will always be bound together. And that is what is called a rare collective experience.

So… why am I going on and on about the Titanic right now?

I think because right now with covid-19, we are experiencing another form of collective tragedy. This is happening to all of us. We are all on board this ship— and some of us have lifeboats and some of us are in the water and some of us are like, There is no iceberg y’all are full of shit. I had covid in early December and it took me out. I am vaccinated, but I considered one day that I might die, because it felt like I was dying. And in that moment I figured out what kind of person I wanted to be on the ship.

Artist in Residence

It’s midnight, so no one will see this, but I’m just too excited not to share. I have been chosen to be an Artist In Residence for Acadia National Park for 2022. This is through the National Parks Service of the United States. I’ll spend 14 days housed in Bay Harbor, Maine. I’ll be able to spend my life in the park and complete an artistic capstone of my experience. I am so grateful for this opportunity.

.Press release: https://www.nps.gov/acad/getinvolved/air-collette.htm


Kelly Collette is a comedian, a writer, and a painter. She’s most known for her standup comedy, having been featured on CMT, DryBar, Pandora, Sirius XM and NPR. She’s performed at prestigious comedy festivals across the country like San Francisco Sketchfest, Limestone Comedy Festival and Lucille Ball Comedy Festival.

She has had articles published for Bust Magazine and Ladyspike Media. Her two stage plays have been produced at local theaters and one received national attention. She’s been a featured storyteller for USA Today’s storytelling series. While new to the art world, her paintings have been displayed for shows at local art galleries and featured at Fuse Festival.

Her goal for the artist residency in Acadia is to combine both art and writing into a printed zine and comedy show about her experience in the park. She hopes to capture both the transformative and significant moments, as well as the humorous anecdotes, that come from experiencing life outside of one's comfort.